I am mad at my brother. More like pissed off. I was not mad till I started thinking about it . Over and over in my head. We were talking on the phone while the aid was in with mom .When the aid and mom came out I said OH! She looks so pretty and the aid sad yes she looks pretty in red. My brother made a noise like a growl than said I will let you go cause your busy. Than when the aid left I tried to call him back . He did not answer. No big deal but than I called again later. No answer . I started thinking. When I went on vacation 2 years ago. Which was the last time my brother helped me with my mom. He made me ask the aid from Home Health Care not to come because he did not want her here and he did not want to have to watch the way he acted or talked .Well mom never got a bath while I was gone. Not from him that is for sure. And he had his Ex-wife change her when she needed changing. I think he did get up in the night to turn her. Wasn't that nice of him. Home Health Care stopped coming shortly after that . And believe me I missed them.
He said he did not like the sweet talk and making nice. So I know when he does call me he will say you were talking like a sissy or fake to the aid. Well all I know is if she does not come and give mom a bath I will have too. No help from my brother . I will visit and talk nice to anyone who wants to help me. And I am truly thankful for the work the nurses and aids from Hospice do for us. It is not fake. Ahhh! I feel better now.
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That’s a shame, and while I’m not defending how he’s acting- but everyone handles grief differently. Personally when my father’s health started declining, I was angry for… many years. Sometimes it made me feel better knowing I was punishing him for his weakness, for not being able to be there for me when I needed him most. Other times it was just a blind anger that seemed to be just a raw opened wound that didn’t want to heal. Emotions don’t always make sense, and people a lot of time would rather avoid dealing with them, avoid the pain in admitting someone you love isn’t perfect anymore. That is especially hard when that person is someone you looked up to as a child growing up. I don’t know what it was that made me realize I was wasting time being angry- when I could be enjoying what’s left of his days with him. I could be entirely wrong about him, and I’m sorry that you are left to do all of the caring on your own. (pretty sure I would be angry too). Just keep in mind that you were made into a much stronger person, because unlike him you can face things head on and find joy in a situation most people are hard-pressed to find at all. :)
ReplyDeleteI think I would be angry too. It seems in a lot of families that there is one who does all the work. Too bad. Hope you feel better after venting. We all need to vent once in a while.
ReplyDeleteYou are a special person and your mom is lucky to have you there.
I'm glad you were able to vent here. That's one way journaling used to help me so much. The blogging helps in the same way...just a place to dump out negative stuff so we can move on...like the good cry you had after reading the post you referred to. I'm going to check out that blog.
ReplyDeleteI'm always so touched by your posts when you write about aspects of your mom's care - like turning her in the night, changing, bathing. You truly are a blessing to her.
You have a right to be mad. What you're contending with is NOT easy and for a distant sibling to criticize from afar is just ... maddening.
ReplyDeleteI know many families end up having one who is responsible for the care of a parent. A colleague recently helped his wife move her mother to assisted living. Instead of helping or being supportive, all his sister-in-law did was demand of his wife: "Couldn't you have found somewhere cheaper? That's our money you're spending!"
You are a saint. I'd be smackin' him. :-)
Illness of a parent can tear a family up. My parents were the caregivers of both sets of my grandparents while I was growing up. It's so stressful.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone for the great comments. I feel better just reading them. I still might smack him. :)
ReplyDelete